Category: Captain’s Blog 2020

Traveling with countless microscopic hitchhikers.

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Well, like many, I’m officially home working remotely for the unforeseeable future. While most events have been cancelled, March Madness is in full swing, but has been moved to Costco. While early brackets saw extra points earned with scoring a rotisserie chicken, the top seeds were seen in the parking lot sitting on a pallet of water selling discounted cruise tickets. In the last 48 hours of the “social distancing”, I’ve noticed it only applies to mainstream groceries distancing themselves from my empty shopping cart, as I refuse to buy from the Island of Misfit Foods. Prior to Corona, these are the items in which there’s never a sampling line at Costco, as in the Kombucha French Fries and the Lentil Pudding Pops wouldn’t cut it in the days of norm. In a couple of weeks, there will be a black market for these items along with today’s featured sale on Serrano Ham (with stand!) for $99.95. Tonight, we are eating Soylent Green. Spoiler Alert! The secret ingredient isn’t cauliflower this go round. My only hope is that the different flavors of abundantly available Girl Scout Cookies may be reclassified as different food groups. If you have enough boxes, you can make your own food pyramid.

Nothing like stocking up on essentials for forced isolation in a crowded supermarket with the guy behind you in line hocking a crown of Corona loogies on your head. If only we could all just take the order separators on the check-out conveyor belt and place them between ourselves and these phlegmatic strangers. I thought my being puerile might save me, but it turns out I need to be Purell. I’m pretty sure with humanity, if this continues it will be like A Breaking Bad Prequel, Better Call Lysol!

Traveling with millions of microscopic hitchhikers.

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Well, we all survived Stay Away Sunday, as we practice social distancing. Today wasn’t so difficult, as I’m secretively anti-social with strangers anyway. However given the new frontier, I thought I’d share The Art of Social Distancing, especially with certain types of characters who are presenting themselves in our Corona Community:

The Hoarder: after offering a 10% cut to the Walmart Greeter and them synchronizing watches for the COVID operation “push my way in first”, the hoarder uses this unfair connection to deplete most of the toilet paper.

Social Distance Response to him-You must’ve just missed the news this morning that the CDC announced that certain lots of (insert brand of toilet paper) are being recalled as 260 roll spoolers in the manufacturing site in Wuhan, China tested positive for the disease.

The Denier (May also apply to the Leader of the Free world)Sample interaction:

Denier-All these shutdowns are an overreaction. If our people get this virus, we won’t just treat it with acupuncture like in China. Distancing Response-stares at him blankly and coughs into my elbow.

Denier-We don’t need a total shutdown like in Milan. The US would shut them down even on Project Runway. Response-coughs into my hand vaguely covering my mouth

Denier-No need to close the schools. Kids are more likely going to get a splinter on the playground than this virus Response-coughs into my hand in his direction through a Vulcan salute, while doing a spit take.

Guy who talks to me in the gym, while I’m working out and am listening to music through ear buds.

Guy-looks like a lot of people stayed away from gym today. It didn’t scare me away.

Distancing Response-Yeah, I was going to listen to my doctor and stay home, but no better way to get rid of a fever than by sweating it out.

Parent bitching already on Day 2 being home with their children.

Parent-The kids have been driving me nuts. I don’t know which is worse staying home with my kids or actually going into work.

Distancing Response-I get it. I doubt that any of your co-workers has a booger collection behind his desk unlike the wall behind your son’s bed.

Virus expert friend who earned his/her post-doctoral medical studies degree via Facebook University.

Distancing Response-Send them a fake news post that Mark Zuckerberg will pay them $5m to move over to Pinterest to post ways to make homemade hand sanitizers that double as a centerpiece or making surgical masks from old bridesmaids gowns.

See you tomorrow for hand washing tips over a Starbucks coughie.

Traveling with millions of microscopic hitchhikers.

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Today was the most Monday of Mondays, as we celebrate our best friends in our social distancing, as it was Me, Myself, and I Monday. While all of us turn to medical authority figures like the Surgeon General, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta, I found myself turning to Dr. Seuss to help me endure social distancing. Here’s what he had to say (please share this post, if you like it).

Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams

I am Tam(iflu). Tam, I am!

That Tam-I-am, that Tam-I-am, I do not like that Tam-I-am!

Will you catch Corona’s Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams?

I will not catch that nasty Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams, Tam-I-am.
I practice social distancing, Tam-I-am.

Will you catch it here? Will you die of fear?

I will not catch it here or will I die from fear.
I will not go out anywhere.
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams
I will stay home and quarantine, Tam-I-am.

Would you like to come over to my house?
I have plenty of Purell, for your hands to douse.

I’m staying here and not going there.
Why leave and need to put on clean underwear?
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
I’ll stay home and work remotely, Tam-I-am.

Can I offer you these unwrapped chocolates in a box?
Hey, touch this doorknob and soon a loogie, you will hock.

Not catching your pox. Not going to need to hock.
Not going to your Petri dish of a house, not touching your fecal matter splattered computer mouse.
I’m now like MacCauley Culkin, home alone.
No need to see you. Can text or phone.
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams
I’ll just sit at home, watch Netflix and Chill, and not give a damn. That’s what’s best, Tam-I-am.

Would you? Could you travel in a subway car?

I would not, could not travel in a subway car!

You may really want to go out, you will see.
Come catch Corona, just like me!

I will not, cannot become diseased like thee.
Not in a subway car! You let me be virus free!
I will not catch Corona from pawed chocolates in a box.
I will not fondle a railing and have to see a Doc.
I will not touch a thing in your germ-laden house.
I will not go near anything that a spray of Lysol cannot douse.
I will stay here and let the media stoke my fear.
I will not get that virus from Wuhan, Milan, or Westchest-air!
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
I’ll ensconce myself in bubble wrap, Tam-I-am.

A train! A train! A train! A train!
Could you, would you travel on a train?

I won’t get infected on a train! No MetroNorth for me!
Not in a car! Tam! Let me stay Corona free!
I would not, could not even touch a Chinese Food Box.
I will not, cannot bear to look at my portfolio of stocks.

You do not want the virus, no Green Phelgm and Mucus Clams?

I do not want it Tam-I-am!
I will not contract the virus following the tweets of the Orange Guy in the White House.
I will not contract Corona by staying here and not going there.
For weeks, I’m not going anywhere.
I will not be a repository for your Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
I’m staying healthy, Tam-I-am.

In the dark? Here in the dark?
Will you? Can you in the dark?

I will not, cannot without lots of latex in the dark.

Will you, could you come out in the rain?
I will not. The CDC taught me water without soap is just insane!
Not going to travel in an Uber car or go to a cafe for a spot of tea.
There’s not even enough tests for everyone, can’t you see?
Not in your house. Not even scotch on the rocks.
All surfaces I will douse in case someone spits there.
I will not touch someone’s table or push in their chair.
I’ve got 30 rolls of toilet paper. I’m staying here.

C’mon, let’s go out! Grab your coat!
The Corona germs that traveled from China didn’t take the slow boat.

I will not, will not require the services of a doctor in a lab coat.
I will not let germs manifest in my drain.
Not since an age that was dark! No plague for me!
Not in a subway car! Alone! You let me be!
I do not want to see germs up close in a UV Lightbox.
I will stay inside watching the clock as it ticks and tocks.
I will stay the fuck home inside my house.
There, I’ll share only the flotsam & jetsam that falls off my spouse.
I have Girl Scout cookies, so I need to stay here and not go there.
In fact, I’m becoming scared shitless about going anywhere!
I will not catch your Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
No Corona virus for me, Tam-I-am!

You won’t catch Corona, so you say.
But you went to the ShopRite, in fact, just today.
From the shopping cart handle to your hands, the germs know the way!

Tam, if you let me be,
I’ll teach you how to wash your hands, while singing happy birthday to me. (And I wash)

Say! I will not get Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams!
I’m the picture of Health, Tam-I-am.
And I will avoid being on a boat
And I will use an absentee ballot to vote
And I will stay inside and watch the falling rain
And in the dark, I’ll use latex and not silicon. Don’t make me explain.
And I’ll avoid subway cars and keep hand sanitizers with me.
I’m as socially distant as distance can be!
So, I will shut out the sickness as it travels the blocks
And I will keep the pestilence out by securing my locks.
And I will work remotely right from my house
And I won’t turn on my Webex camera, so no need for a blouse.
And I will stay here and hope that you stay there!
Together, we will stop Corona from traveling everywhere.
I will not get Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams!
So, stay 50 feet away from me, Tam-I-am!!!!