Category: Captain’s Blog 2015

Mediterranean Cruise.

Bear Hunting!

After hitting a beach on the Italian Riviera, we hit the adult pool. My sister, Lauren, wouldn’t go into the adult pool by herself, as she saw that there were 20+ men in the pool, which seemed odd. Stranger, they all all could’ve been in a line up with each being a carbon copy of the other. Each was 260-290 lbs. with big bellys, with beards and mustaches, short cropped hair or shaved heads, and most had sweaters of back hair. They looked like a cross between a casting call for Duck Dynasty and guys who’d attend an all-you-can-eat bratwurst fest. I had to find out who they were and why they were together. Turns out that there were 40 of them and they call themselves Top Shelf. Defying stereotypes, they were a group of gay men. Sure, on our Alaskan cruise I expected to see bears, but who would think there’d be so many bears on a Mediterranean cruise? Truly awesome! Represented in the photo is Celebrity Cruise’s Ursa Major-perfect specimens of the species. Glad I missed the plushie fetish cruise the prior week!

Flightplan meets Taken.

Today flying to Orlando, I got bumped to 1st class like into one of the sleeper seats. The flight attendant had me put my laptop on the shelf below the seat. When the plane tilted upward on its ascent, that’s when my flight turned into a Jodi Foster slash Liam Neeson movie, as my computer slide down the side of the plane and disappeared at take off. I knew that it couldn’t get past seat 5A, which was 2 rows behind me. I started asking people to let me look under their seats and a bitchy woman behind me wouldn’t get up saying that there was no way my computer could’ve passed her purse. Another flight attendant asked me if I was sure I brought my laptop. The flight attendant who had me stow my computer insisted that I must’ve put it away, once he came up empty in finding it. The passengers treated me like I was a lunatic, as I tore the Velcro from my seat cushion only to find foreign coins from world travelers. I almost gave up, as I began losing circulation in my arm, as I slide it through a crevice and pulled out my computer. The bitch with the oversized purse behind said I had her computer and I must have pulled it from her bag. As she argued me, the flight attendant made her open her pricey tote revealing that her laptop had been safely tucked away. Sure, I should’ve done my best Liam Neeson on her, but I hate my new laptop anyway. If she had my phone vs. my laptop, I would’ve shoved her in the toilet and flushed her blue Gooed body into space. I took comfort in the fact that my 1st class omelet yielded some excellent airplane gas enabling me to helicopter her (like crop dusting without walking away) for the remainder of the flight. By the time we landed, her tote smelled more like a colostomy bag from my retribution.