Author: Karen Twomey

Traveling with countless microscopic hitchhikers.

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Well, like many, I’m officially home working remotely for the unforeseeable future. While most events have been cancelled, March Madness is in full swing, but has been moved to Costco. While early brackets saw extra points earned with scoring a rotisserie chicken, the top seeds were seen in the parking lot sitting on a pallet of water selling discounted cruise tickets. In the last 48 hours of the “social distancing”, I’ve noticed it only applies to mainstream groceries distancing themselves from my empty shopping cart, as I refuse to buy from the Island of Misfit Foods. Prior to Corona, these are the items in which there’s never a sampling line at Costco, as in the Kombucha French Fries and the Lentil Pudding Pops wouldn’t cut it in the days of norm. In a couple of weeks, there will be a black market for these items along with today’s featured sale on Serrano Ham (with stand!) for $99.95. Tonight, we are eating Soylent Green. Spoiler Alert! The secret ingredient isn’t cauliflower this go round. My only hope is that the different flavors of abundantly available Girl Scout Cookies may be reclassified as different food groups. If you have enough boxes, you can make your own food pyramid.

Nothing like stocking up on essentials for forced isolation in a crowded supermarket with the guy behind you in line hocking a crown of Corona loogies on your head. If only we could all just take the order separators on the check-out conveyor belt and place them between ourselves and these phlegmatic strangers. I thought my being puerile might save me, but it turns out I need to be Purell. I’m pretty sure with humanity, if this continues it will be like A Breaking Bad Prequel, Better Call Lysol!

Traveling with millions of microscopic hitchhikers.

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Well, we all survived Stay Away Sunday, as we practice social distancing. Today wasn’t so difficult, as I’m secretively anti-social with strangers anyway. However given the new frontier, I thought I’d share The Art of Social Distancing, especially with certain types of characters who are presenting themselves in our Corona Community:

The Hoarder: after offering a 10% cut to the Walmart Greeter and them synchronizing watches for the COVID operation “push my way in first”, the hoarder uses this unfair connection to deplete most of the toilet paper.

Social Distance Response to him-You must’ve just missed the news this morning that the CDC announced that certain lots of (insert brand of toilet paper) are being recalled as 260 roll spoolers in the manufacturing site in Wuhan, China tested positive for the disease.

The Denier (May also apply to the Leader of the Free world)Sample interaction:

Denier-All these shutdowns are an overreaction. If our people get this virus, we won’t just treat it with acupuncture like in China. Distancing Response-stares at him blankly and coughs into my elbow.

Denier-We don’t need a total shutdown like in Milan. The US would shut them down even on Project Runway. Response-coughs into my hand vaguely covering my mouth

Denier-No need to close the schools. Kids are more likely going to get a splinter on the playground than this virus Response-coughs into my hand in his direction through a Vulcan salute, while doing a spit take.

Guy who talks to me in the gym, while I’m working out and am listening to music through ear buds.

Guy-looks like a lot of people stayed away from gym today. It didn’t scare me away.

Distancing Response-Yeah, I was going to listen to my doctor and stay home, but no better way to get rid of a fever than by sweating it out.

Parent bitching already on Day 2 being home with their children.

Parent-The kids have been driving me nuts. I don’t know which is worse staying home with my kids or actually going into work.

Distancing Response-I get it. I doubt that any of your co-workers has a booger collection behind his desk unlike the wall behind your son’s bed.

Virus expert friend who earned his/her post-doctoral medical studies degree via Facebook University.

Distancing Response-Send them a fake news post that Mark Zuckerberg will pay them $5m to move over to Pinterest to post ways to make homemade hand sanitizers that double as a centerpiece or making surgical masks from old bridesmaids gowns.

See you tomorrow for hand washing tips over a Starbucks coughie.

Traveling with millions of microscopic hitchhikers.

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Today was the most Monday of Mondays, as we celebrate our best friends in our social distancing, as it was Me, Myself, and I Monday. While all of us turn to medical authority figures like the Surgeon General, Dr. Oz, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta, I found myself turning to Dr. Seuss to help me endure social distancing. Here’s what he had to say (please share this post, if you like it).

Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams

I am Tam(iflu). Tam, I am!

That Tam-I-am, that Tam-I-am, I do not like that Tam-I-am!

Will you catch Corona’s Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams?

I will not catch that nasty Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams, Tam-I-am.
I practice social distancing, Tam-I-am.

Will you catch it here? Will you die of fear?

I will not catch it here or will I die from fear.
I will not go out anywhere.
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams
I will stay home and quarantine, Tam-I-am.

Would you like to come over to my house?
I have plenty of Purell, for your hands to douse.

I’m staying here and not going there.
Why leave and need to put on clean underwear?
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
I’ll stay home and work remotely, Tam-I-am.

Can I offer you these unwrapped chocolates in a box?
Hey, touch this doorknob and soon a loogie, you will hock.

Not catching your pox. Not going to need to hock.
Not going to your Petri dish of a house, not touching your fecal matter splattered computer mouse.
I’m now like MacCauley Culkin, home alone.
No need to see you. Can text or phone.
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams
I’ll just sit at home, watch Netflix and Chill, and not give a damn. That’s what’s best, Tam-I-am.

Would you? Could you travel in a subway car?

I would not, could not travel in a subway car!

You may really want to go out, you will see.
Come catch Corona, just like me!

I will not, cannot become diseased like thee.
Not in a subway car! You let me be virus free!
I will not catch Corona from pawed chocolates in a box.
I will not fondle a railing and have to see a Doc.
I will not touch a thing in your germ-laden house.
I will not go near anything that a spray of Lysol cannot douse.
I will stay here and let the media stoke my fear.
I will not get that virus from Wuhan, Milan, or Westchest-air!
I will not catch Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
I’ll ensconce myself in bubble wrap, Tam-I-am.

A train! A train! A train! A train!
Could you, would you travel on a train?

I won’t get infected on a train! No MetroNorth for me!
Not in a car! Tam! Let me stay Corona free!
I would not, could not even touch a Chinese Food Box.
I will not, cannot bear to look at my portfolio of stocks.

You do not want the virus, no Green Phelgm and Mucus Clams?

I do not want it Tam-I-am!
I will not contract the virus following the tweets of the Orange Guy in the White House.
I will not contract Corona by staying here and not going there.
For weeks, I’m not going anywhere.
I will not be a repository for your Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
I’m staying healthy, Tam-I-am.

In the dark? Here in the dark?
Will you? Can you in the dark?

I will not, cannot without lots of latex in the dark.

Will you, could you come out in the rain?
I will not. The CDC taught me water without soap is just insane!
Not going to travel in an Uber car or go to a cafe for a spot of tea.
There’s not even enough tests for everyone, can’t you see?
Not in your house. Not even scotch on the rocks.
All surfaces I will douse in case someone spits there.
I will not touch someone’s table or push in their chair.
I’ve got 30 rolls of toilet paper. I’m staying here.

C’mon, let’s go out! Grab your coat!
The Corona germs that traveled from China didn’t take the slow boat.

I will not, will not require the services of a doctor in a lab coat.
I will not let germs manifest in my drain.
Not since an age that was dark! No plague for me!
Not in a subway car! Alone! You let me be!
I do not want to see germs up close in a UV Lightbox.
I will stay inside watching the clock as it ticks and tocks.
I will stay the fuck home inside my house.
There, I’ll share only the flotsam & jetsam that falls off my spouse.
I have Girl Scout cookies, so I need to stay here and not go there.
In fact, I’m becoming scared shitless about going anywhere!
I will not catch your Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams.
No Corona virus for me, Tam-I-am!

You won’t catch Corona, so you say.
But you went to the ShopRite, in fact, just today.
From the shopping cart handle to your hands, the germs know the way!

Tam, if you let me be,
I’ll teach you how to wash your hands, while singing happy birthday to me. (And I wash)

Say! I will not get Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams!
I’m the picture of Health, Tam-I-am.
And I will avoid being on a boat
And I will use an absentee ballot to vote
And I will stay inside and watch the falling rain
And in the dark, I’ll use latex and not silicon. Don’t make me explain.
And I’ll avoid subway cars and keep hand sanitizers with me.
I’m as socially distant as distance can be!
So, I will shut out the sickness as it travels the blocks
And I will keep the pestilence out by securing my locks.
And I will work remotely right from my house
And I won’t turn on my Webex camera, so no need for a blouse.
And I will stay here and hope that you stay there!
Together, we will stop Corona from traveling everywhere.
I will not get Green Phlegm and Mucus Clams!
So, stay 50 feet away from me, Tam-I-am!!!!

Not traveling with Wounded Knee Twomey.

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Well, for those of you following along at home, I had my shoulder and bicep surgery yesterday. The month started with Scott’s knee surgery and subsequent bleeding debacle, sick bellies for the dogs, ct scan, and aspirations for the Bumble abscess. Finally, now, I’m the patient. As with marriage anniversary year appropriate gifts, the first year is paper, the 25th is the silver anniversary, while the 23rd is orthopedic surgery.

I had my surgery yesterday with the super handsome Dr. Parsons, who I say is so incredibly handsome that he’s like an eclipse in that you have to avoid directly staring at him. I just hope that while anesthetized I didn’t profess my love for him or verbalize a sex dream that he unwittingly did not know he was starring as the lead actor in. When I came out in the recovery room, the most excellent friend, Mansi Kothari, was there as my guardian angel, who thankfully drew the line on just feeding me, driving me, drugging me, but called a nurse to help me into my skivies. Great judgement! They placed a catheter in my neck, so I’m styling like Frankenstein, as pain meds course into me from a little pain pump purse made be Dolce and Gabapentin. This sweet bag is the bomb and has had me completely pain free. Unfortunately, Dolce will be depleted by tomorrow afternoon. I’m saving my dilaudid for a painy day. The transport person at Mount Sinai put the TRANS in transport, as he/she/they were transitioning gender, while simultaneously transitioning my care from hospital to home.

Now that Scott & I are both home on the disabled list together through January, he spends his time on the couch in the front porch, me in my jacked up recliner complete with USB port for my phone, Yeti on the living room couch and The Bumble odd dog out, as 1 of 2 scenarios will unfold. Scenario 1) The Orthopedic Gift of the Magi, in which he will be my arms and I will be his legs trading personal comfort for the comfort of the other. Or Scenario 2) Big Brother-wedded and stuck home together for 60 days at Home Edition. In this version, Scott will continue to bombard me with steady airings of Fox News. Ann Coulter, and Sean Hannity, while I seek to annoy him with continuous speaker phone conversations with co-workers with a backdrop of Mumford & Sons and the Lumineers in the background. May the best cripple win!

 

Traveling with my friend Trish from Mrs. Toralbas’ Spanish Class.

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Well, about 37 years later, mi amiga and I are trying out our conversational español learned in class. So far we have been successful in getting a taxi (same word in inglese), finding the baño, y ordering cerveza. While we are here for the shoulder season, my shoulder es malo with my rotator cuff prohibiting many actividads. Upon arriving, however, as I’m Marriott Royalty, we were whisked away to the Cacao Suite; which if measured in Hershey Chocolate square footage, would be about 375 million bars. Since Patty was sorry to have missed the rainy season, she used our seven shower heads to recreate the rainforest experience flooding the baño and causing 15 Costa Rican families to seek refuge by climbing banyan trees until the flood waters receded compliments of the maid doing turn down service. We spent a lovely, but short day at the beach, as the sun goes down at 5:15p. Patty thought that my bright pink rash guard wouldn’t stand out against the brilliant sunset, so she decided to point me out in this picture. Today, we saw mucho crabs, an iguana, lots of butterflies, an iguana and a Costa Rican skunk. La playa es muy peligroso at the hotel, so tomorrow, we will go to Tamarindo. Buenas noche! Remember mi casa is su casa.

Traveling with my friend Trish from Mrs. Toralbas’ Spanish Class.

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We started out by immersing ourselves in nature going to a Nacional Mangrove Forest and Estatuary. On the way over, we met some older Canadians. The gentleman seemed ready for edema season or he was experiencing elephantiasis to become one with animal kingdom. Costa Rica has 5% of the world’s bio-diversity having the most species of wildlife per square mile. Good thing for leadership training at work, I’ve had my bio-diversity training, otherwise I might’ve made some insensitive comments about the blue heron and be deemed a racist for favoring the white ones. After a short hike in the foresty jungle, we saw monkeys overhead and I momentarily forgot my bio-diversity training taunting them with slightly better posture and self-control for not flinging my poo at others or eating a bug off Patty’s head. It did seem that many of the insects were clueless, as the buzz was that the wasps stuck their stingers in the bees pollen supply causing them to start the #bee-too movement. In the jungle, something bit me; which hurt like a bitch. Will it just be a sore wrist or will it be the genesis of my origin story as a superhero? Only time will tell if the swelling goes down or if I’ll become “Mosquitowoman”ridding the world of terrorists one case of Dengue Fever at a time. While I earlier saw a sloth, hummingbirds, tons of other water birds, and the monkeys; we did not see the crocodiles, so we said “See you later, Alligator” and headed to Tamarindo to hit the beach and shops.

We spent a scorching hot day at the beach. While the endless stream of bead, coconut, whistle, palm frond and shell art vendors accosted us to buy their wares stating that it was happy hour; which was seemingly every hour. My happiest hour was when they weren’t around. Patty decided to take her happy hour the old fashioned way with 2 beers for $5. Our return shuttle never came to pick us up, so things were dicey for a bit as we stood in the darkness pondering whether we would have to start a beach hair braiding concession stand. One of the locals got us a ride home in the back of a cart with some chickens to be sold at market. We opted for the 1990, Hyundai Elantra. With my pending superpowers, I should be able to fly back next time with Patty tucked under my good arm. Buenas noches!

Traveling with my friend Trish from Mrs. Toralbas’ Spanish Class.

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Today, we went on a sunset cruise leaving at 12:45p, since the sun sets at 5:20p. On the drive out, we came right up to a bicyclist, who had been hit by a tour van. He definitely looked muerte to us. That was not the sunset that we had in mind.

After taking a lovely sail surrounded by honeymooners, feeling like old married washerwoman, we stopped to snorkel, kayak, & paddle board. As soon as I jumped off the boat, my vest rose from their position of protection on the Double D’s slamming into my airway like a karate chop, as my mask and snorkel simultaneously filled up with water causing me to swallow a sizable amount of the Pacific! I choked and coughed, while being serenaded by Jack Johnson. I needed someone to hold me “Upside Down” and slap me on the back. We saw the most amazing sunset, although fellow passengers said that my face turned as many colors as the sky, during the aforementioned choking incident.

After sundown, we hung in the pool, only to learn more about Costa Rica from our sage cleaning woman, who leaves us facts like, Costa Rica has no military. It’s only Air Force is a flock of seagulls. Tonight, we learned that we are staying in a region called Nicola; which is a well known Blue Zone meaning that most of its inhabitants live well past 100. Apparently, they don’t cycle or swallow snorkels full of seawater. I think I’ll go find a nice nettie pot and call it a day. Buenas noches!

 

Traveling with my friend Trish from Mrs. Toralbas’ Spanish Class.

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Today was a slow day, hence the Captain’s Log has me and Patty laying like logs by the pool and ocean. Our resort is so isolated that it’s a 15 minute drive to a main road. If it weren’t for the 5 star accommodations, I would think we’d been kidnapped and that Scott would be receiving proof of life shortly. While everyone takes US dollars, it might be the 170k colons that Patty is flashing around that might make us targets. Good thing that Costa Rican’s are ranked the happiest people on the planet. In an index of all countries ranked on longevity, feelings of well-being and ecological footprint, Costa Rican’s scored 64, yet Americans scored only 37.4. As I’m in my 1400 square foot suite, which will be happily cleaned by a sage Costa Rican maid, it tells you that money (or even Marriott Bon Voy Points) can’t buy happiness. Maybe when you live here and avoid being killed in a lava flow, eaten by a shark, eaten by a crocodile, eaten by a jaguar, contracting dengue fever, poisoned by a scorpion, falling from a cliff, or drowning in the heavy rip currents, then scrubbing a toilet is a joyous release. In the meantime, I’ll sit by ocean knowing that I can derive my own happiness ordering frozen drinks from a happy waiter. As is their saying, pura vida! I don’t iguana go home!

Traveling with my friend Trish from Mrs. Toralbas’ Spanish Class.

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Today, we left our 1400 square foot suite and traveled 90 minutes to the Bay of Papagayo, where we are staying at El Mangroove, a very hip eco-friendly hotel in the middle of a mangrove forest. We were told by our bellman that at sunset monkeys would be in the trees above our balcony. I saw no evil, heard no evil, spoke no evil, but also saw no monkeys. As we waited until dark to see monkeys, I got excited when I saw movement nearby only to realize it was the reflection of my calf in the plexiglass. Tomorrow, we will go on a safari where I’ll see my hip and my forehead. We did see the North American species known as the Canadian Marriott Elite Caller, as this dentist, Dr. Barry Schwartz bragged about how he as a doctor and Platinum member gets great upgrades and treatment. As he told us about his hotel rooms around the world, he managed to drop that he was a “Dr” with every other word. It turns out that dentists have one of the highest suicide rates, but that having to listen to him was the causal effect. I wanted to tell him that we were in the best building and not him and just stayed in the biggest room yet, but we Titanium Elite are in our own Fight Club. The first rule is never share that you can play 5-on-5 half court basketball in your room. However, although we didn’t see any monkeys, we met my new friend, Bigfoot, as you can see. Now, that’s a guy who needs square footage. After being out for Costa Rican nightlife; which goes to 830p, I must get some sleep before our last day with a big tour. Hasty Mañana from an undisclosed suite in the jungle.

Traveling with my friend Trish from Mrs. Toralbas’ Spanish Class.

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Esta es una dia finalemente. Since it’s our last day here, we did the Mega tour of Buena Vista at Rincon De la Vieja; which consisted of ziplining (bad idea for bad shoulders), water slide (even a worse idea), horseback riding (bad idea for me and the horse), locally sourced lunch (bad idea for restaurant chains), volcano (bad idea for virgins), and hot springs (bad idea for mattresses). We started out at a waterfall with our trusty guide, Humberto, who seemed to be suffering from a blood clot in his eye from a non-disclosed tour mishap. Once we got into the mega tour, I was convinced in several languages that ziplining wouldn’t affect my shoulder. Turns out the ziplining itself does not, but as they hook you in, you must jump/pull yourself up. That not only affects shoulders, but on the 2nd run, it also affected the zip-lifeguard, as in jumping up, I inadvertently kneed him in the gringones.. Aye caramba! He went down, while I went up. I guess I hit him square in the zipper line. I quit after that, as my shoulders could not shoulder on. I walked back on hanging bridges passing this 500 year old ficus tree. (Doesn’t look a day past 480!) Patty finished all 7 runs joining a Canadian tour group getting embraced by them like a Canadian goose, who returned North after a long winter. We both took a pass on both the water slide and the horseback ride ending up by the volcano. Got to lav it! We then did the steam room, mud bath, and hot springs, as Humberto took 87 pictures of us and an armadillo. After a locally sourced lunch that Humberto explained to us in great detail, we headed back. Just as Humberto explained cream of squash soup or that we could put marinara sauce on spaghetti, we’ve found that Costa Rican’s explain things to us, as if our heads are still soft from our births saying things like “this is the couch in your room (long pause), here are towels to dry off with (extremely awkward long pause)”.

On the way home, I thought I saw a cougar, but the woman couldn’t have been more than 5 years older than her boyfriend. So, Patty and I realized it was a jaguar that we were seeing sleeping up in a tree. After another no monkey see, no monkey do evening, the sun set on our Costa Rican vacation. After bidding goodnight to the aforementioned couch and towels, we called it a night to get up super early for our long trip home. As they say here, “Pura vida!” Until next time!