Author: kbtwomey

Captain’s Log-Day 1. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

As we flew to London, my Mom & I sat aisle to aisle. The poor bastard trapped next to my Mom in the middle seat didn’t realize that when he booked a non-stop flight, it referred to my Mom talking to him the whole way across the pond. Meanwhile, I tuned out reading my kindle. Feeling guilty, ” I gave her hostage half of my meatball sub in sympathy. By London, the poor guy was blinking in Morse Code and his Stockholm Syndrome caused him to crave a nice piece of gefilte fish.

Captain’s Log-Day 2-European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

Here’s pictorial evidence that I’m indeed the family giant. We arrived with Scott aka “Mr. Golden Underwear” complaining about business class, while the rest of us sat in veal class. My oldest sister, who at 4’8″ qualifies as a little person, yet would not qualify to ride most rides in an amusement park, even had no leg room. United doesn’t need to have goons beat us up on their planes for not allowing us to be bumped from an overbooked flight, when their cabin designers can inflict pain to passengers more efficiently and pervasively. Collectively, we packed enough stuff to be sailing in a container ship with enough wardrobe changes to outfit a small European nation. Like the Titanic, we boarded our ship in Southampton, England. I anticipate that in no time, a poor street urchin will want to sketch me naked, as he falls in love with me. As I’m muster Station certified, if the ship goes down, I’m sure that I could muscle my way into the lifeboat ahead of most of these geezers on holiday. In the event of an emergency, not only does your seat cushion double as a floatation device, but the lead actor from the ship’s version of My Fair Lady will double as a tender pilot. At least as we will sink, he’ll sing “The rain in Spain’ the whole time.

Captain’s Log-Day 3. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

We are approaching midnight in the land of the midnight sun and it’s still light out. Today, I did good detective work trying to find my Mom and sisters. I looked at the cruise happenings and chose the event I’d hate the most, which was an ice dancing show knowing that they’d be at something I’d hate. Entering the theater, I looked for my Mom’s walker and I immediately found them enjoying the ice dance stylings of rejects from the ice capades. If this were Sweden and not Norway, I could be “The girl with the dragged on disdain”

Captain’s Log-Day 4. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

Today, in Norway, we took a cruise within our cruise to Lysefjord and Pulpit Rock. It’s a beautiful area, but the oil drillers and fisherman have a high rate of alcoholism, so the Betty Fjord Center was at capacity. In the city of Stavenger, I bought my Mom a sweater paying in kroners, so I either paid the equivalent of a herring farm or it may have been afyordable. In the marketplace, I heard a man running and shrieking “Oh my God, Oh my God.” His mom’s rascal scooter aka hoveround went off a curb dumping her on to the pavers. Using Viking strength, I sprang into action helping to lift his glacier of a mother, while he watched saying that he was so glad it was his mother and not his daughter and didn’t help at all. Turns out, trolls in Norway are not mythical creatures at all.

Captain’s Log-Day 5. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

Today, we were in Kristiansand, Norway; which apparently observes Bergen County’s Blue Laws, as everything was closed. The Norge all enjoyed their balmy 50 degree weather today wearing only 1 layer of wool and fur vs. the usual whale blubber and caribou skin coats. We’re traveling with Brits, of which the women either have their hair cut in Helen Mirren bob or the Queen Elizabeth frump. They all dress for dinner though, so Scott and I’ve been a bit undressed. In fact, he doesn’t want to go to the dining room on the next formal night less he be judged. Doesn’t he realize that Brits have gotten their revenge on rebelling Americans since the Boston Tea Party on by judging us on all that we do, i.e. American Idol, Kitchen Nightmare, America’s Got Talent, etc. Why is it that every reality show has a Brit that lets us know our talents don’t measure up staring at us witheringly with their stiff upper lips. Scott and I will be judged on the ship’s formal night’s show,”So you think you can dress for dinner”. I hope we make it to the Yorkshire Pudding Round. On to Oslo!

Captain’s Log-Day 6. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

Today, we were Oslo. Much like the Obamas vacationing yearly in Hawaii, apparently Santa comes a few hours South to Norway for his holiday. Initially, I thought Thor had gone to seed with the carb-laden cruise buffets, but Santa recognized my sister, Dev, as one of his former workers, so it was his jolliness. We spent time at the Viking Museum looking at the old ships, the Olympic ski jump, and the Vigneland Sculpture Park. Pictured here is the lesser known Olympic sport of naked children juggling. We passed the Noble Museum. Scott tried to persuade the tour guide that he should get the Noble Peace Prize for dealing with my family all week. Since his rage can melt icebergs, he was denied.

Captain’s Log-Day 7. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

We celebrated Independence Day on the Independence of the Seas in beautiful Copenhagen. Scott celebrated his independence by intentionally “losing” us in Tivoli Gardens. Something was rotten in the state of Denmark, indeed! When Dev was served a cheeseburger with a mustard and Lauren a yellow tarter sauce, their discomfort for a change to their condiments caused me to quote the Bard’s words for his melancholy Prince Hamlet, “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, that can be found in your philosophy.” My pseudo-intellectualism wasn’t missed on Lauren, who quoted CSI Miami’s Horatio in return. Aside from Tivoli Gardens on Hans Christian Anderson Blvd where I saw Swans with Ugly Ducklings (spoiler alert! They grow up to be beautiful swans), we also did an awesome canal cruise, saw the Little Mermaid statue, and holiday-appropriately flaunted our independence to our British co-passengers. While I always enjoyed a good Danish, their city was one of the most beautiful I’ve seen. This Little Match Girl gives Copenhagen 5 Hamlets and no poor Yoricks

Captain’s Log-Day 8. European Vacation.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

Today is the end of our time in Scandinavia. We spent time in Skagen on a herring quest for my Mom. Although Yelp sounds like a seal’s way of asking for herring, asking for where to get herring resulted in many red herrings as we were not getting the right information. Finally, we found a fish market and my Mom delighted in her disgusting meal. After finishing, she told us that she could now die happy. Let’s hope it’s smooth sailing for her, as if I’m paying $20 daily for dial up speed internet, I can’t imagine what Royal Caribbean will charge for a Viking Funeral.

Captain’s Log-Day 9. European Tour.

Traveling in Relative Hell.

As we wrap up the cruise portion of the vacation, we saw this “beauty” at the art auction. As the owner of Quake, it was hard to allow ourselves to be outbid on such priceless art, but our bid of 50 cents was topped by a nickel by a visually impaired guest, who thought he was bidding on a cotton ball. If the medium of the art was black velvet or towel art, we might have bid three figures going up to $1.37.

As a trip first, Lauren asserted her independence by ordering her own meals nightly instead of Dev convincing her to “share” the 2 choices that Dev wants. This resulted in Dev ordering and sending back more food than our waiter ate in his whole life in Mauritius. I’m sure he muttered about her ordering everything “on the side,” as he sat down at the end of his 16-hour workday to his 6 fish heads and a bowl of rice. All in all a good cruise.