Traveling with millions of microscopic hitchhikers.
Well, we all survived Stay Away Sunday, as we practice social distancing. Today wasn’t so difficult, as I’m secretively anti-social with strangers anyway. However given the new frontier, I thought I’d share The Art of Social Distancing, especially with certain types of characters who are presenting themselves in our Corona Community:
The Hoarder: after offering a 10% cut to the Walmart Greeter and them synchronizing watches for the COVID operation “push my way in first”, the hoarder uses this unfair connection to deplete most of the toilet paper.
Social Distance Response to him-You must’ve just missed the news this morning that the CDC announced that certain lots of (insert brand of toilet paper) are being recalled as 260 roll spoolers in the manufacturing site in Wuhan, China tested positive for the disease.
The Denier (May also apply to the Leader of the Free world)Sample interaction:
Denier-All these shutdowns are an overreaction. If our people get this virus, we won’t just treat it with acupuncture like in China. Distancing Response-stares at him blankly and coughs into my elbow.
Denier-We don’t need a total shutdown like in Milan. The US would shut them down even on Project Runway. Response-coughs into my hand vaguely covering my mouth
Denier-No need to close the schools. Kids are more likely going to get a splinter on the playground than this virus Response-coughs into my hand in his direction through a Vulcan salute, while doing a spit take.
Guy who talks to me in the gym, while I’m working out and am listening to music through ear buds.
Guy-looks like a lot of people stayed away from gym today. It didn’t scare me away.
Distancing Response-Yeah, I was going to listen to my doctor and stay home, but no better way to get rid of a fever than by sweating it out.
Parent bitching already on Day 2 being home with their children.
Parent-The kids have been driving me nuts. I don’t know which is worse staying home with my kids or actually going into work.
Distancing Response-I get it. I doubt that any of your co-workers has a booger collection behind his desk unlike the wall behind your son’s bed.
Virus expert friend who earned his/her post-doctoral medical studies degree via Facebook University.
Distancing Response-Send them a fake news post that Mark Zuckerberg will pay them $5m to move over to Pinterest to post ways to make homemade hand sanitizers that double as a centerpiece or making surgical masks from old bridesmaids gowns.
See you tomorrow for hand washing tips over a Starbucks coughie.
Rubber Chicken 