Traveling with the Ancient.
Well, it’s the last day of the cruise, as we arrive back in the morning. I can only hope that I’m the winner of the fine art auction in the gallery. God knows that I won’t be able to add to my priceless collection built from Holiday Inn Art auctions unless I bid appropriately for “Bow Wow!,” a study of dogs playing poker. I discovered an exciting new artist, our Filipino cabin steward, who’s medium is white cotton towels. I’ve commissioned a towel penguin for this evening’s art installation.
Speaking of fare, there’s no end to this trip without speaking of the 5-star cuisine. In fact, I think that’s a cat food brand being launched by Royal Caribbean. There’s so many buffets of lardonous food being served to lard asses that I actually heard someone say, “Well, of course I’m hungry. I only had one lunch today.” I’m not sure what some of the buffet items were, but I think I may have sampled a curry made from a missing Sri Lankan busboy. As a byproduct of the starchy meals, the kids on board are able to climb a solid methane rock wall on the lido deck above the cafe. We’ve had some exotic dining experiences, as we were instructed in the Italian restaurant to use their Italian butter, which we landlubbers call olive oil. Of course, on the formal night, our hillbilly tablemates were thrilled to receive a present with their lobster tail wrapped in cheese cloth, which suspiciously resembled a lemon slice to those of us who’ve dined in a restaurant before that was not adorned with Golden Arches.
Finally, while we expected to travel with 2200 others, I have no doubt that we traveled with 3 stowaway families, known as the Legionnaires, the Noroviruses, and the Salmonella’s (no relation to Liza). Like Columbus, who sailed in the Caribbean, I have no doubt that we were colonized this week. While we all were instructed to washy-washy with Purell before each meal, I have no doubt that there is no lack of booger-picking children left unattended by their glassy-eyed drink package maximizing parents to ensure that my so-called plain pizza had trace loogies from their spawns’ dirty little fingers. Next stop on my itinerary will be a Silkwood shower with a Cipro chaser.
Time to head out to the final show, a Christmas extravaganza. I can’t wait to hear my favorites like “Vite Chridmus” and “Flosty the Snowman” from the Glasnost Singers. Merry Christmas and smooth sailing in 2017!
Rubber Chicken 